Sunday, April 17, 2011

The Valkyrie Rides Again

I have briefly mentioned in previous posts my confusion in the apparent “about-face” for conservatives with regard to immigration policy – namely, that conservatives are supposed to favor pro-business immigration policies that, admittedly, might have deleterious wage effects at the bottom of the economic ladder. At the same time, I observe that the fairer sex, even among conservatives, could be counted upon for a sympathetic response to the plight of the immigrant: “they just want what’s best for their children,” “they’re being exploited in their home country,” “they’re starving,” and reasons of a similarly incomprehensible nature. And while I am alarmed at the new Conservative Marxism, I am appalled, yes appalled, by the rise of the New Conservative Woman. "An ill wind that bloweth no man good-- The blower of which blast is she.”

The Palins and the Bachmanns and the Brewers and the Angles; these are no wilting flowers. They cleave their way through enemy ranks, wielding the shrill cry of “Man Up” like Thor’s Hammer. The message is clear. They have more testosterone pumping through their American veins than the effete East Coast literati, and if their own men won’t live up to their burly standards, they can grow chest hair for two.

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks,” I murmur (but not out loud, as “methinks” and “doth” would immediately identify me as an effete East Coast liberal). I propose that the entire agenda of Conservative immigration hysteria originates with and is impelled by WASP Female Self-Preservation. Let’s take a brief journey into the anthropological mists of time.

For the male of the species, self-preservation was largely a matter of the individual in question against the hostile forces of nature. To supply for himself and his family, he worked hard, toiled under the sun, breaking his back carrying animal carcasses hither and thither – but the success or failure of others in similar occupations were of no consequence to this noble savage. Of course, he might have had his disagreements, but these were honestly resolved by a sharp blow to the head from a rock conveniently at hand. But, just as often, he didn’t, because the yoke of Adam’s curse is lighter when shared. He needed to slip away from the family cave with his earthen pot of beer, and to talk to his brethren of the mammoth that got away – of that particularly spiteful tree stump – of the advisability of purchasing that plot of land down at La Brea. Sometimes, no words were needed. A quiet belch or two as the jug was passed around could more than sufficiently express the anguish of the male psyche. So much could be said with this simple gastric utterance.

For the female of the species, force against nature and foe were not an available option. She achieved her will through cunning, and her success was achieved at the expense of her competitors. “Well, you never see discarded bones outside the Thrack cave, do you?” “Sometimes I think you love fermented berries more than you love me!” “Oh, Sampson, you’re so big and strong!” Each word, each intonation, were carefully devised to achieve their accomplished end. Your average girl in middle school is capable of such subterfuge as would make a hardened KGB double-agent blush. When faced with a threat to her social supremacy, there are absolutely no lengths to which a woman will no go to destroy her competition.

And so, when I consider the cunning and devious mind of Woman, I hear a quiet little voice: “why are conservative women so passionately vocal about law enforcement and labor supply?” Is it merely a coincidental feminine fetish, like cucumber sandwiches, Pilates, or book clubs? I propose to you, conservative Catholic gentlemen, that there are darker, conspiratorial forces at work, here.

Consider your self-interest in the matter, gentlemen! On the one hand, you have a continent full of Latin women, just south of our border. They are devoted to the Catholic faith, they can cook (and they use lard, bless them!), and they don’t have centuries of Puritanical repression making them embittered and frigid. On the other hand, you have, well, not that. And what’s critically important is that WASP women are fully aware of the threat posed by their Catholic sisters to the South. They are determined, at any cost, to secure their death grip on all social capital in the US.

You can splutter and protest all you want, but I ask you, brothers, are you speaking your own mind, or are you blindly doing the bidding of the more powerful and devious Female Mind? Think about it. Or, you can “man up,” and let the WASP women do your thinking for you.

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